Whitmore, 1st October, Salisbury Black Pig

Ok, the first thing that happened in this interview is that Rob from 4ft fingers decided to steal the dictaphone and interview Glenn himself. The first part of it consisted of them all trying to con Jen and I to get off with each other....

Rob 4ft: Go on, do it, you know you want to!
Cags Mixtwitch: I'll tell you what, if you and her kiss, i will put my butt in the ashtray.  
Dave 4ft: Actually, lets have none of this black mailing thing, why don't you just do it for fun?
Rob 4ft: You know you want to!
Dougie 4ft: Let's just get it over with!
Rob 4ft: We're gonna go away now and leave you to it....
Rob & Dougie: Get off with each other, get off with each other, get off with each other
Dougie: You're gonna have to now, it's documented!
Rob: And as she slowly slipped her hand into her blouse, *laughter* the atmosphere in the room changed, changed into a loving environment *laughter* 
*tape cuts out....*
Rob: This is an interview for Whitmore. Question one please....

Who's who, and what is the line up of your band?
Glenn: We've got a guitarist
Rob: What's his name? 
Glenn: Blackbeard..
Rob: Captain
Glenn: And we've got skipper on drums, and me on bass
Rob: Ok, and er...how many of you are there?
Glenn: seven
Rob: seven...right and...

Brief history of the band please? Brief. Don't rabbit on. 
Glenn: We met each other then we started a band. 
Rob: Excellent. And i think the question on everyone's lips is Why Whitmore? 
Glenn: Is that really on there? 
Rob: Question three 'why Whitmore?' 
Glenn: We watched a football match and some guy called Theodore Whitmore scored a goal.
Rob: That's a good story. Onto the next question, 

what's the best gig you've played and the best band you've ever played with? 
Glenn: The best band was definitely [spunge] man. And er the best gig was probably the Weymouth keys last year with [spunge] and 4ft fingers, I expect..
Rob: wooohooo! Ok, and now I'm going to back track to the question i missed...

How do you describe your music?
Glenn: Urm, its pop. That's all I'm wanting to say
Rob: Pop music
Glenn: Sort of Avril Lavigne, Dido, that sort of thing
Rob: Excellent, you suck! Er, note for the reference, Whitmore sold their souls to the devil. 

Who would you most like to play with? Apart from yourself.
Glenn: Rob
Rob: me?
Glenn: Yes, Rob from 4ft fingers. 
Rob: Amazing. There's a lot to play with my friend. 

Rob and Glenn, why do you hate, I mean, why did you leave Uncle Brian? Why do you hate Uncle Brian?
Glenn: Cos' they're a bunch of fag ass cunts who's parents run their band, they're a bunch of knobs, urm I wouldn't mind smacking them in the face and would preferably run them over.
Rob: Where are they from? 
Glenn: Laverstock, Salisbury
Rob: Excellent...ok, next question...

Why should we buy 'Smoke the Roach'? Apart from the fact that it is great, and I've got it. 
Glenn: Why should you buy it? Cos we're on tour with some tacky band man, they released the shitest album, called 'zero to hero' or something. Is it 'Hero to zero'?
Rob: I don't know that other band, they're wank! 
Glenn: Nah, you should buy it cos it's better than Uncle Brian. 
Rob: And it's very experimental, there's some really good stuff on there! Thank you, that's just my little point there....Greaaaat...Ok then, question number 9..

Glenn, is the stuff...whaat?
Jen: 'bout, about!
Rob: Oh, about. Yea, nice short hand there, cheers!
Jen: Sorry!
Rob: Well, you know....pah! Glenn, is the stuff ABOUT you and Dido true? Or just a large wind up?
Glenn: No, it's all true, everything you read.
Rob: He shagged her in the ass. Face it!
Me: That's Jen's boyfriends job!
Jen: ooooooh, ooooooH!
Rob: Whaaaaaat?!
Jen: Yea, I'm finding it hard to sit down today...
Rob: Birds do love it, don't they! Ok,...

What's the funniest thing that's happened on tour? Apart from you playing, and waking up with Dave's penis in your mouth...
Glenn: Urm, when I took a trip outside a gig....I was staring at a tree for hours.
Rob: Craaaaaaazy kids.  Okaaaaaaaaaaay...

Strange and disgusting facts about each of you?
Glenn: Robb's feet stink. They actually do reak, he has to leave his shoes outside the room at night, no shitting you....Jay...urm, he's got 7 nipples, and I've got webbed feet.
Rob: Awesome. Ok, last question, and probably the most important, 

What are each of your porn star names? that's done by the name of the first pet you ever remember, and your mums maiden name. 
Glenn: Katie wheeler...
Rob: That's Katie Wheeler for Glenn...and do you know any of the others? 
Glenn: Urm...no. 
Rob: Ok, well that's the interview, anymore questions? No. Ok, lets interview Dave. So, when did you first notice that you had 2 anuses? *laughter*
Dave: Well, I was about 7.
Rob: Amazing. And when did you realise that your family actually loved your large animal stock more than yourself?
Dave: I was also about 7. 
Rob: Also about 7...and when did you actually stop sleeping in your parents bed?
Dave: When I was about 7.
Rob: And you breast fed till...?
Dave: About 7!
Rob: Oh Dave! Very big year for Dave. That would have been about 1987-ish?
Dave: Er, thats right
Rob: Just for the record, Dave sticks his thumb up...ok, Dougie, so, has Alcoholism been a hard one for you?
Dougie: No. 
Rob: Any other comments?
Dougie: No.
Rob: Excellent. 

Rob then proceeded to speak large amounts of crap into the Dictaphone to play back on high speed so the voices go really fast and on helium...nice. The crap was of such high standards i though i might put some of it up...;

Rob: Aah, yes, aaah brrrrrrr aaaaah, another glass of wine for me and my friends....er, hello, how are we today? Er, yes, I think I'll have, er, the parsnips, er, the potatoes and the beans, and, er HUH HUH HUH, another one of those. I'll have 7 of those, 6 of them and eeeeeeeer 3 of them and a chardonnay white! brrrrrrrr eeeerm yes, 1942, the classic year.

Run, run to the hills. And thanks to Glenn for doing the interview!